Something you'd like to see here?
Please contact the
Website Administrator

Wilson's Fun Stuff

The best Honda
commercial ever!

And the inevitable
yet brilliant spoof!

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: “Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
7. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
9. Good places for the Blues:
   1. highway
   2. jailhouse
10. Bad places:
    1. gallery openings
    2. Ivy League institutions
    3. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    1. you're older than dirt
    2. you're blind
    3. you shot a man in Memphis
    4. you can't be satisfied
13. No, if:
    1. you have all your teeth
    2. you were once blind but now can see
    3. the man in Memphis lived.
    4. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
14. Some Blues names for women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Fat River Dumpling
15. 17. Some Blues names for men:
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Big Willie
16. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    3. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
       For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
       (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
18. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire or hammer, I don't care.

CHOIR JOKES

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One. She holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?

A: The baritone.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really dumb?

A: When the other tenors notice.

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, “It's too high for him.”

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

A: “I didn't wake up this morning...”

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: Where's a tenor's resonance?

A: Where his brain should be.

Q: What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?

A: The lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

A: The jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of an alto?

A: A soprano who can sightread.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?

A: A choral director with a mortgage.

Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?

A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.